The Social Skills Guidebook (Kindle highlights)

Wherever possible, you should be true to yourself and try to find your niche, which includes looking for friends who get you and like you for who you are. (loc. 131-133)
Socialize more with the people you already know (existing friends, coworkers, classmates, roommates, family members). (loc. 236-236)
Join a club, team, or organization. (loc. 241-241)
Shy people think in ways that increase the supposed risks and stakes of socializing. They see other people as mean and judgmental. They see themselves as unappealing and less socially capable. They view interactions as life-or-death tests of their social skills and worthiness as individuals. (loc. 602-604)
The self-doubt and inhibition inherent in shyness prevent you from showing your full personality. (loc. 664-664)
A key to handling anxiety is to break the avoidance habit. (loc. 715-716)
The four related problems of shyness, social anxiety, insecurity, and discouragement need to be tackled directly. (loc. 830-831)
Know and accept that you’ll never banish all social discomfort from your life. (loc. 852-853)
You may have been born with a tendency to be more anxious and insecure than average, and it’s something you’ll have to learn to work around. (loc. 871-872)
Accepting that you may sometimes get uncomfortable in social situations takes away some of the control your shyness and insecurities have over you. (loc. 873-874)
Aim to become socially functional, rather than 100 percent assured at all times. (loc. 882-883)
You can get through most social situations with some self-doubt or jitters. (loc. 893-893)
Figure out what is truly important to you in life and commit to going after it, regardless of your fears or insecurities. (loc. 902-903)
Caring less about your social faux pas is easier said than done. The secret is to make acting against your worries a higher priority than trying to make every interaction go perfectly. (loc. 913-914)
Be pleasant and understanding toward your fears and insecurities. (loc. 918-918)
Emotional reasoning is when you think that because your emotions are telling you something is a certain way, it truly is that way. (loc. 989-990)
When you jump to conclusions, you quickly assume something negative, even though your belief has little or no basis in reality. (loc. 995-996)
When you see things in simplistic, absolute terms, you’re using all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking. (loc. 1004-1004)
Overgeneralization involves taking a few isolated incidents and making sweeping generalizations about yourself, other people, or your life. (loc. 1010-1011)
You’re filtering when you apply a dark-tinted mental lens to your perceptions so you dwell on the bad aspects of something, while ignoring the good. (loc. 1014-1015)
When you overstate how something really is, once again with iffy evidence to back up your thinking, you magnify the situation; similarly, if you understate a situation with insufficient evidence, you minimize it. (loc. 1022-1023)
When your mind leaps to the worst possible outcome, you’re catastrophizing. (loc. 1029-1029)
This cognitive distortion involves constraining yourself with unrealistic expectations about how things “should” be. (loc. 1038-1039)
Labeling occurs when you slap simplistic labels on things in order to explain them, rather than looking at the unique facets of the situation. (loc. 1043-1044)
Personalization involves thinking you directly caused something to happen, or that something relates to you, when other forces may have been at work. (loc. 1048-1049)
Disqualifying the positive is when you dismiss positive events for no real reason, probably while being all too eager to accept the negative ones. (loc. 1052-1053)
People who are socially insecure tend to dismiss positive experiences as being one-off flukes, while seeing negative interactions as being caused by their enduring flaws. (loc. 1058-1059)
Step 1: Identify your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs. (loc. 1125-1126)
Step 2: Critically examine your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs. (loc. 1141-1142)
Instead of seeing your anxiety or insecurity as a core part of you, view it as an outside entity that has taken up residence in your mind and is trying to sabotage it (for example, picture it as a cartoony demon). (loc. 1148-1151)
Step 3: Come up with more realistic, balanced alternatives for your counterproductive thoughts. (loc. 1180-1181)
Step 4: Continually question your counterproductive thoughts. (loc. 1193-1195)
Most people are socially average. Only a handful are highly charming and confident, and even they feel unsure of themselves at times. (loc. 1359-1361)
Some of your unpleasant thoughts and feelings will respond better to a logical reasoning approach, while others are better managed by being mindful. (loc. 1381-1382)
You can learn to simply observe these thoughts and choose not to take them at face value or act on them. You don’t need to debate or break them down. That would give them too much credit and power. Instead, you can briefly note them in a distant, nonjudgmental way and then let them pass. (loc. 1391-1394)
Try to mindfully meditate each day. (loc. 1428-1428)
Deal with the legitimate problems and stresses in your life. (loc. 1454-1454)
Talk to other people about your troubles and get their support. (loc. 1457-1457)
Exercise regularly. (loc. 1459-1459)
Purposely fit fun, rewarding activities into your day. (loc. 1460-1460)
Consistently take time to relax. (loc. 1462-1462)
Meditate regularly. (loc. 1463-1463)
Practice healthy eating habits. (loc. 1465-1465)
Cut down on substances that can contribute to anxiety or depression, like caffeine and alcohol. (loc. 1466-1467)
Get enough quality sleep every night. (loc. 1468-1468)
Get enough sunlight every day. (loc. 1469-1469)
One technique is called 4-7-8 Breathing. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds. Hold the breath for seven seconds. Exhale through your mouth for eight seconds. (loc. 1509-1510)
When you’re anxious around people, usually your nerves spike for a minute or two and then start to dissipate. If you can hang in there through the worst of it, they’ll usually go away. (loc. 1589-1590)
Psychologists have found the most effective way to face a fear is to gradually expose yourself to it; this is called exposure therapy. (loc. 1721-1722)
Start facing your fears, beginning with the least scary items. (loc. 1858-1860)
The relevant thing is facing the fear, not the outcome of the interaction. (loc. 1869-1871)
Practice self-acceptance and realize it’s okay to be a normal, less-than-perfect person. (loc. 1969-1971)
Realizing that it’s all right to be a regular human who makes mistakes and isn’t perfect. (loc. 1975-1976)
Setting realistic standards for yourself and letting go of perfectionism. (loc. 1978-1979)
Being nice and compassionate to yourself. (loc. 1982-1982)
Question the negative messages you’ve internalized about your value as a person. (loc. 1997-1998)
Gain self-esteem through your actions, behaviors, and accomplishments. (loc. 2039-2041)
Showing the world your true self, even if not everyone responds well to it. (loc. 2069-2070)
Doing work and creating things that are meaningful and important to you. (loc. 2074-2075)
Take time to remind yourself of your positive traits and accomplishments. (loc. 2112-2113)
Dress up and make yourself look nice. (loc. 2117-2117)
However, although quick mood-boosters help superficially, you can’t just up the dosage to improve your core self-esteem, no more than swallowing more painkillers will heal a broken wrist. (loc. 2119-2121)
Having confidence isn’t the only thing you need to be socially successful. (loc. 2190-2191)
Confidence has to grow slowly over time. Any attempt to increase it quickly will only result in a short-lived psyched-up feeling. (loc. 2208-2209)
Goal #1: Have an interaction that’s rewarding for everyone involved. (loc. 2274-2276)
Goal #2: Learn about the other person and try to find common ground. (loc. 2286-2287)
Goal #3: Share things about yourself with the other person. (loc. 2291-2293)
Goal #4: Show you’re a reasonably friendly, sociable person. (loc. 2297-2298)
Tune in to what each person wants out of the interaction. (loc. 2313-2315)
Be aware of any personal goals you have that might harm the conversation. (loc. 2320-2321)
Approach #1: Be interested in and curious about other people, and make it your goal to find out what’s fascinating and unique about them. (loc. 2340-2343)
Generally focus the conversation on your partner, but not to the point where you share nothing about yourself and become a forgettable nonentity that just helps other people talk. (loc. 2348-2351)
Approach #2: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. (loc. 2358-2360)
Approach #3: Figure out what topics you have an easy time talking about, and then try to steer the conversation in that direction. (loc. 2386-2388)
Know how to ask good questions and make good statements. (loc. 2393-2394)
Mini-questions, statements, or facial expressions that encourage the other person to keep talking. (loc. 2425-2427)
Mixing up questions and statements. (loc. 2432-2434)
Get better at noticing the possible jumping-off points in the statements people make. (loc. 2443-2445)
Ask the other person their thoughts on the question or topic you were just talking about. (loc. 2462-2463)
Don’t filter yourself too much when trying to think of something to say. (loc. 2476-2478)
Don’t fret about saying generic things. (loc. 2484-2485)
Don’t fret about changing topics. (loc. 2495-2496)
Prepare some topics or statements ahead of time. (loc. 2515-2517)
Have more experiences and develop your opinions. (loc. 2530-2531)
Try new hobbies. Visit new places. (loc. 2533-2533)
Eat at a new restaurant. Watch a few episodes of a new show. Listen to a few songs by a new band. Spend half an hour on a website about a subject you’re interested in but not familiar with. (loc. 2535-2536)
Know facts and details about a range of topics. (loc. 2538-2539)
Learn to relate to a wider variety of people. (loc. 2550-2552)
Silence is acceptable in some situations, and it’s not necessary to try to fill it. (loc. 2605-2606)
If a silence settles in, give yourself a few seconds to try to think of something that will continue the current topic. If you can’t, maybe you could go back to a dangling thread from earlier in the conversation. (loc. 2621-2623)
Some people are too quick to give up on a conversation when it turns to an area they don’t have in common with the other person. Once you get your lack of familiarity about the topic out in the open, you’ll often find a way to get the interaction going again. (loc. 2649-2651)
If you were planning on ending the conversation soon anyway, a quick silence can provide the opportunity to get going. (loc. 2667-2667)
The beginnings of conversations have two parts, which often flow into each other. The first is for one person to say something to the other to initiate the interaction. This could be as simple as a “hey.” (loc. 2686-2688)
The second substage is navigating the conversation’s first few, sometimes uncertain, minutes. (loc. 2693-2694)
It’s great when you find an interesting subject to talk about right away, but it’s not at all unusual for a conversation to be a little stilted in its opening minutes. (loc. 2725-2726)
Examples of types of conversation openers and early things to talk about. (loc. 2754-2755)
Openers that will begin a conversation, but have to be followed up with something else. (loc. 2765-2766)
Introduce yourself. (loc. 2769-2770)
Ask them a simple question about the situation you’re in. (loc. 2773-2775)
For example, at a party you could ask them if they know the name of the song that’s playing or if they can tell you what kind of sauce is being served with the hors d’oeuvres. (loc. 2775-2776)
Ask them to do something simple for you. (loc. 2782-2783)
Say “Hello” or “Hey” or “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” (loc. 2786-2787)
Lines that can be used to initiate a conversation or a few minutes in to try to keep it going. (loc. 2799-2800)
Ask questions that are relevant to the setting. (loc. 2803-2804)
You and others in a social setting generally have something in common; otherwise you wouldn’t be at the same place at the same time. With that in mind, ask an opening question that is built in to your common situation. (loc. 2804-2805)
Comment on your shared situation. (loc. 2827-2827)
Make a statement about the other person or give them a compliment. (loc. 2831-2831)
Lines that are more appropriate once you’ve already begun talking to someone. (loc. 2836-2838)
Ask typical getting-to-know-you questions. (loc. 2841-2841)
“What kind of hobbies do you do in your spare time?” “Have you done anything really fun recently?” “What do you do for work?” “What are you taking in school?” “What do you think of (a popular interest you hope they share or a news story everyone is talking about)?” “Have you been able to travel this summer / winter?” “Are you from here?” If they reply no, ask, “How long have you lived in the area?” “Do you have any kids?” If they say yes, ask follow-up questions. “How old are they? How many? Girls or boys?” “How do you know Martin?” or “You went to the same school as Martin. Do you know Carmen and Justin?” (loc. 2842-2856)
Ask a question or make a statement about an interesting outside topic Question examples: “Have you seen (popular new movie)? What did you think of it?” “Did you read that article yesterday about…? Statement examples: “I’m thinking of seeing (popular new movie). I saw the trailer for it, and it looks awesome…” “I read a really interesting article the other day. It was saying that…” (loc. 2856-2866)
Make a statement about yourself “I’m so happy right now. I just handed in my last paper for this semester.” “So I think I finally found a job teaching English in the Japanese city I want to visit.” (loc. 2866-2871)
If you already know the person, ask for an update about something that’s been happening in their life “So how was your weekend out of town?” “How’s your daughter doing? Has she gotten over her cold yet?” (loc. 2871-2875)
How to respond if someone tries to start a conversation with you. (loc. 2883-2885)
Give a good, full response to whatever their opening question or statement is. Even if it’s something you’ve heard a lot and are a bit bored to talk about, still give a proper, amiable reply. Possibly end your reply by asking a question of your own. (loc. 2886-2889)
Be willing to take the lead to help get a new conversation off the ground. (loc. 2889-2891)
Be the first to ask a getting-to-know-you question and pick the one you think will work best (for example, choosing to ask about their hobbies because you have a feeling you’ll have some in common and they’ll feel comfortable with that subject). (loc. 2894-2896)
Politely change the subject if you’re on a topic that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. (loc. 2897-2898)
Routine questions are a reliable way to get a conversation going. (loc. 2926-2926)
Standard chitchat helps ease your nerves when you’re most likely to feel anxious. (loc. 2929-2929)
Small talk gives you a platform to show what kind of person you are, aside from the things you like to discuss. (loc. 2931-2932)
Barrel past it, you may seem like you lack social savvy. (loc. 2934-2935)
Accept that even if you try to make the best of it, not every moment of every conversation is going to be fascinating for you. (loc. 2968-2968)
Try not to simply see small talk as a deal breaker or an ordeal to endure. Reframe it as the opening round of a potentially good conversation. (loc. 2965-2966)
As soon as the other person mentions anything semi-interesting, grab on to that and use it to move away from the routine exchange. (loc. 2976-2976)
One significant way to take a conversation to deeper territory is to exchange information that’s more personal. (loc. 3027-3028)
Safe, surface-level topics include your job and education; your living situation; your hobbies and interests; your noncontroversial observations, opinions, and humor, who you’re friends with; your family makeup; and your goals and plans for the future. (loc. 3030-3032)
Somewhat personal topics include your milder insecurities, flaws, and doubts; your somewhat odder quirks; your mildly embarrassing or slightly emotionally heavy past experiences; your somewhat more controversial thoughts and humor; and your less conventional, more ambitious future goals. (loc. 3034-3036)
Very personal topics include your deeper, more serious insecurities, flaws, and doubts; past experiences that you’re very ashamed of, which most people wouldn’t understand and which are quite emotionally heavy to talk about; and your opinions that are very controversial. (loc. 3038-3041)
When you reveal your vulnerabilities and rough edges, you seem endearingly human. When you act like you have no flaws, you become distant and unrelatable. (loc. 3092-3093)
A common complaint from more intellectual types is that they have a hard time getting people to have these kinds of interesting, meaningful conversations. They don’t need to have deep, philosophical discussions all the time, but they start to feel frustrated and unfulfilled if they don’t have any at all. (loc. 3113-3115)
Use signals that show you’re ready to end the conversation. (loc. 3197-3199)
Stand up if you’ve been sitting down. (loc. 3203-3203)
Start to give quicker, shorter responses. (loc. 3204-3204)
Start angling your body away from them and perhaps toward something you need to get back to. (loc. 3208-3209)
If you’re talking with a group at a party and after a few minutes you decide you want to keep circulating, you can often just walk away. (loc. 3227-3228)
One new thing to keep in mind is that you should roughly try to match the group’s energy level. (loc. 3281-3282)
To join the conversation but also not interrupt too much, you can quickly give your name and then say, “Anyway, what you were guys talking about?” to get it back on track. (loc. 3299-3302)
Don’t join a group discussion and then immediately try to steal one or more members away to have a side conversation. Respect that they want to talk to the group. (loc. 3322-3323)
Accept that the topic won’t always be one you can easily contribute to. (loc. 3363-3364)
Make little contributions instead of remaining totally mute. (loc. 3370-3371)
If you’re not talking, appear to be tuned into the conversation If several friends are chatting at a pub, there’s a big difference between someone who’s not talking but is clearly attending to the discussion (by leaning in, looking at the speaker, making an effort to hear them over the background noise, nodding, and having an interested expression on their face) versus someone who’s obviously bored or tuned out and trapped in their head. (loc. 3376-3381)
Even if you’re not talking, appear to be tuned into the conversation. (loc. 3376-3378)
Tell yourself that you have to say something every so often. (loc. 3387-3388)
Give yourself permission to be quiet. (loc. 3396-3397)
Realize if you want to get speaking time, you’ll have to grab it for yourself. (loc. 3422-3423)
Make it really, really obvious with your body language that you want to talk after the current speaker is finished by leaning forward, raising your hand slightly, and catching everyone’s eye to let them know you want to speak next. (loc. 3430-3431)
Make a statement such as, “I’ve got something to say about that after she’s done.” (loc. 3432-3433)
Repeat the beginning of your statement several times until you’re given the floor. (loc. 3439-3439)
Speak with enough volume. (loc. 3444-3444)
Talk quickly. (loc. 3445-3445)
Make your statements to the point. (loc. 3447-3447)
Use gestures to indicate to other people that you’re not done talking. (loc. 3448-3449)
Emotional empathy is the ability to pick up on other people’s emotions and have an appropriate feeling in response. (loc. 3619-3621)
Cognitive empathy is the ability to more logically get inside someone’s head and take on their perspective. (loc. 3624-3625)
When someone has open body language, their arms are at their sides, their legs are somewhat spread apart, they’re facing you with their torso, and their body generally looks loose and relaxed. It’s a sign they’re feeling comfortable and accepting. (loc. 4008-4010)
If you’re talking to someone and they’re playing with their phone or absentmindedly ripping up a coaster, it’s probably a sign they’re not fully engaged with you. (loc. 4025-4026)
We often unconsciously point our body where we want to go. (loc. 4033-4033)
Boredom, lack of interest, or indifference. (loc. 4093-4093)
Looking around the room. (loc. 4100-4100)
Look them in the eyes for three seconds or so, then glance away for a moment before meeting their gaze again. (loc. 4257-4258)
In general, you should make more eye contact when you’re listening, which is easier to do. When you’re speaking, it’s okay to look away more, which often happens naturally as you get distracted by trying to put together what you want to say. (loc. 4258-4260)
Purposely try to speak in a relaxed but assured tone that communicates, “This is a perfectly natural, acceptable, interesting thing to say right now.” (loc. 4321-4322)
Don’t speak too quickly in a rush to get your point out or not take up too much time. (loc. 4326-4327)
Absence of unintentionally bored or disrespectful-seeming actions, like looking around the room or fiddling with nearby objects. (loc. 4350-4352)
Saying something less-than-perfect is often better than saying nothing at all. (loc. 4495-4495)
Likable people are usually happy. They see the positives in things. They don’t complain that often, and even when they talk about their problems, they don’t let their energy get too negative. (loc. 4669-4670)
Initiate conversations with people. (loc. 4681-4682)
Eagerly chat with anyone who starts a conversation with you. (loc. 4683-4683)
Help people feel good about themselves. (loc. 4687-4689)
Try not to take yourself too seriously. (loc. 4904-4905)
If you want a social life, you have to make it happen for yourself. (loc. 5201-5202)
A volunteer position. (loc. 5308-5308)
Places to meet people. (loc. 5294-5296)
One thing that distinguishes closer friends from more casual ones is how much they stay in contact between times when they hang out in person. Good friends often keep in touch. (loc. 5823-5824)
Never feel you have to throw a relationship away because you went too long without speaking and now it would be weird to get in touch. (loc. 5836-5837)
As people get older, they become busier with their careers, families, and homes, and they have less time to spend hanging out with their current friends or meeting new ones. They also have higher standards and a clearer idea of what they’re looking for in a new friend. (loc. 6106-6108)
Get what you can from your job or existing contacts. (loc. 6110-6112)
Do more activities outside of the house. Find a way to use your existing hobbies to put you in contact with more people. For example, if you normally exercise at home, join a class or running club. If you like reading about new ideas, attend some free talks or seminars, or join a book discussion club. (loc. 6125-6127)
Studies have shown that lonely people tend to be more negative about others in general. Although people with this problem may be somewhat choosy to begin with, the trait is mainly a side effect of loneliness. (loc. 6386-6387)
Studies have shown that lonely people tend to be more negative about others in general. Although people with this problem may be somewhat choosy to begin with, the trait is mainly a side effect of loneliness. Being lonely in the longer term naturally makes people unhappy, which can sour the way they view their interactions. It also makes them pessimistic and self-protective. (loc. 6386-6389)
Shallowness is part of the lighter side of socializing. Sometimes people want to make childish jokes and gossip about celebrities. (loc. 6475-6476)
Accept that you may never get the same results as you would under easier circumstances, and don’t hold that against yourself (for example, acknowledging there will rarely be an opportunity to meet as many potential friends as easily as you did in college). (loc. 6576-6579)