The Like Switch (Kindle highlights)

The Friendship Formula consists of the four basic building blocks: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity. (p. 4)
Proximity is the distance between you and another individual and your exposure to that individual over time. (p. 4)
People who share physical space are more likely to become attracted to one another, even when no words are exchanged. (p. 5)
Frequency is the number of contacts you have with another individual over time and Duration is the length of time you spend with another individual over time. (p. 5)
Intensity is how strongly you are able to satisfy another person’s psychological and/or physical needs through the use of verbal and nonverbal behaviors. (p. 5)
Duration shares an inverse relationship with frequency. (p. 7)
When you meet people, especially for the first time, ensure that you send the right nonverbal cues that allow others to see you in a positive rather than neutral or negative light. (p. 25)
They are the “eyebrow flash,” “head tilt,” and the real, as opposed to fake, “smile” (yes, the human brain can detect the difference!). (p. 25)
“Friendly” eyebrow flashes involve brief eye contact with other persons, particularly if you don’t know the person or are a passing acquaintance. (p. 28)
An unnatural eyebrow flash will be perceived as unfriendly at best and creepy at worst. (p. 29)
A head tilt to the right or to the left is a nonthreatening gesture. (p. 29)
A head tilt is a strong friend signal. People who tilt their heads when they interact with others are seen as more trustworthy and more attractive. (p. 29)
A smile is a powerful “friend” signal. Smiling faces are judged to be more attractive, more likable, and less dominant. A smile portrays confidence, happiness, and enthusiasm and, most important, signals acceptance. (p. 31)
The telltale signs of a genuine smile are the upturned corners of the mouth and upward movement of the cheeks accompanied by wrinkling around the edges of the eyes. (p. 32)
Learning how to produce a “real” smile at will, particularly when you don’t feel in the mood to display it, takes practice. (p. 34)
Eye contact works in concert with other friend signals. (p. 34)
To send a friend signal via eye contact, pick out your person of interest and establish eye contact by holding your gaze for no longer than a second. Holding an eye gaze for longer than that can be perceived as aggression, which is a foe signal. (p. 35)
You should end the eye gaze with a smile. If you cannot manage a genuine smile, make sure that the corners of your mouth are upturned and wrinkle the outer edges of your eyes. A return smile indicates interest. If your person of interest meets your gaze, looks down and away briefly, and then reestablishes eye contact, you can approach this person with a high degree of confidence that your overtures will be well received. (p. 35)
After you make eye contact with your person of interest, hold your gaze for one second and then slowly turn your head, holding your gaze for another second or two. The person you are looking at will see your head turning away, giving the illusion of broken eye contact, and your actions will not be perceived as staring. This technique allows you to intensify the emotional content of your friend signal. (p. 35)
Mirroring creates a favorable impression in the mind of the person you are mirroring. When you first meet someone and want to gain their friendship, make a conscious effort to mirror their body language. If they stand with their arms crossed, you stand with your arms crossed. If they sit with their legs crossed, you sit with your legs crossed. (p. 40)
The first few times you do this, you may feel as though everybody in the group knows what you are doing. I can assure you they will not know. (p. 41)
People tend to lean toward individuals they like and distance themselves from people they don’t like. (p. 42)
Whispering is an intimate behavior and positive friend signal. (p. 44)
Food forking, then, is a friend signal and, if permitted, indicates a close relationship between the person possessing the food and the person reaching for it. (p. 44)
You can encourage potential friends to continue speaking (and like you more because of it) by additional head nodding, smiles, and focused attention (when you lean forward, cock your head slightly and appear to be listening intensely to what is being said). Be aware that nonverbal gestures can also signal discomfort, dislike, or disinterest. (p. 45)
If you use appropriate head nods, you will be perceived as a good listener, and viewed in a positive light. (p. 45)
Verbal nudges consist of speech confirmation indicators such as “I see” and “Go on” plus word fillers such as “Ummm” and “Uh-huh.” Verbal nudges let the speaker know that you are not only listening but are also validating the speaker’s message with verbal confirmation. (p. 46)
Gazing that continues beyond a second is often perceived as aggression, which turns the nonverbal communication into a foe signal. (p. 50)
Elevator eyes consist of a sweeping head-to-toe gaze. As a nonverbal gesture, it is highly offensive in fledgling relationships. (p. 50)
Rolling your eyes at someone is a “foe signal” that discourages further interaction. It sends the message you think the individual is stupid or that his or her actions are inappropriate. (p. 53)
If you see two people who are facing each other—each with their feet pointing toward the other person—they are telegraphing the message that their conversation is private. Stay away. They do not want outsiders to interrupt. On the other hand, if two people are facing each other with their feet askew, this leaves an “opening” and sends the message that they are willing to admit a new person to their group. (p. 62)
People like to be remembered. Remembering a person’s name assigns them value and recognition and shows that you care. (p. 66)
When encountering individuals you met earlier, you can employ a conversational bridge-back. This refers to your use of portions of earlier discussions at a later time. (p. 66)
In order to consciously imitate the same signals you subconsciously send with ease and authenticity, you must overcome the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect triggers when you do something surreptitiously and, because you are making a conscious effort to influence people’s behavior, you think that everybody is aware of what you are doing. (p. 67)
Learning from others doesn’t even take much effort. All you need to do is go to a restaurant and people-watch. (p. 70)
People gravitate toward individuals who make them happy and tend to avoid people who bring them pain or discomfort. (p. 76)
Other people will like you when you make them (not you) the focus of attention. (p. 76)
Empathic statements such as “You look like you are having a bad day” or “You look happy today” let people know that someone is listening to them and cares to some degree about their well-being. (p. 77)
The basic formula for constructing empathic statements is “So you...” There are many ways to form empathic statements but this basic formula gets you in the habit of keeping the focus of the conversation on the other person and away from you. (p. 77)
When you are struggling for something to say, fall back on the empathic statement. (p. 80)
An unfriendly person initially described as friendly gains an advantage from the primacy effect because people tend to allow the unfriendly person multiple opportunities to demonstrate friendliness despite numerous displays of unfriendly behavior. (p. 85)
The next time you conduct an interview, meet a new colleague, or buy a new product, think about how you came to form your opinion about that person or product. Chances are high that your opinions were formed by primacy. (p. 87)
When a person does someone a favor, they feel good about themselves. The Golden Rule of Friendship states that if you make a person feel good about themselves, they will like you. (p. 88)
People who share the same perspectives, attitudes, and activities tend to develop close relationships. (p. 97)
When people feel good about themselves and do not attribute the good feeling to a specific cause, they tend to associate the cause of that good feeling with the person who is physically close to them at the time. If you happen to be that person, you’re going to benefit and be liked not for anything you did but because of the “misattribution.” (p. 102)
If your long-term relationship with someone is waning, go skydiving or bungee jumping, ride a roller coaster, or pursue other activities that create the perception of danger. The shared experience will bring you closer together and reinvigorate your friendship or romance. (p. 104)
When you behave in a manner that produces curiosity in another person, it significantly increases the chances that individual will want to interact with you in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity. Thus, a “curiosity hook” becomes an effective tool to meet a person of interest and develop a friendship. (p. 105)
The Law of Reciprocity is a very effective tool for making friends. When you smile at someone, that person feels obligated to return the smile. (p. 106)
Individuals who disclose more personal information with other people are more likely to receive a similar level of personal information in return. (p. 106)
The sense of closeness increases if the disclosures are emotional rather than factual. This is partly due to the intensity of such disclosures, which positively affects the likability of the person making them. (p. 106)
Disclosures that are too intimate often highlight character and personality flaws of the person, thus decreasing likability. People who make intimate disclosures too early in a relationship are often perceived as insecure, which further decreases likability. (p. 106)
Disclosures should be made over a long period of time to ensure that the relationship slowly increases in intensity and closeness. (p. 107)
Once somebody finds a person whom they can trust, they are often tempted to open the emotional floodgates—telling too much too quickly—overwhelming their partner in the process. Disclosures should be made over a long period of time to ensure that the relationship slowly increases in intensity and closeness. (p. 107)
According to Gordon Wainwright, author of Teach Yourself Body Language, anyone can increase their attractiveness to others if they maintain good eye contact, act upbeat, dress well, add a dash of color to their wardrobe, and listen well. Wainwright also stresses the importance of posture and bearing and suggests that for one week you stand straight, tuck in your stomach, hold your head high, and smile at those you meet. From the results of many experiments, Wainwright predicts you will begin to be treated with more warmth and respect and start attracting more people to you. (p. 108)
Judicious use of humor can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood that helps a relationship to develop more rapidly. (p. 109)
One method to determine if a person is an extrovert is to begin a sentence and deliberately pause for a few seconds. Extroverts will generally complete the sentence for you. Introverts will not. (p. 117)
People like to be complimented. It makes them feel good about themselves and, according to the Golden Rule of Friendship, they are going to feel good about you. (p. 119)
Compliments, to be effective, should be sincere and deserved. (p. 119)
The more you can encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to what they say, display empathy, and respond positively when reacting to their comments, the greater the likelihood that person will feel good about themselves (Golden Rule of Friendship) and like you as a result. (p. 120)
When it comes to establishing and building friendships through verbal behavior, take your cue from LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize). (p. 126)
Maintain eye contact with the speaker about two-thirds to three-fourths of the time he or she is talking to establish the appropriate degree of connectivity and to indicate you are tuned into what is being said. (p. 126)
People like individuals who let them talk, particularly when it is about themselves. (p. 127)
Empathic statements are the spice of conversations. If you make it a habit to use empathic statements, you will force yourself to listen more carefully to other people. (p. 127)
Observing for lip purses is also useful when talking with your spouse, colleagues, and friends, as it is a universal nonverbal cue that tells us what people are thinking. (p. 135)
Self-touching of the lips with hands, fingers, or objects such as pencils and other inanimate objects indicates the person is feeling uneasy about the topic that is being discussed. (p. 139)
People develop positive feelings toward those individuals who can “walk in their shoes” and understand what they are experiencing. (p. 157)
If you want to be even more empathic, add a compliment to your original statement that allows them to flatter themselves. (p. 158)
Most teens want to tell their parents what’s bothering them. They just need a little encouragement and the belief that talking to you is their choice. (p. 159)
People who are psychologically connected mirror one another’s body gestures. Intentionally mirroring another individual’s body language promotes rapport. (p. 169)
People who are in good rapport assume an open body posture. An open posture signals attraction and openness to communication. It consists of gestures that include uncrossed legs and arms, a high rate of hand movements during speech, palms-up displays, a slight forward lean, and the display of friend signals. (p. 172)
Arm crossing serves as a psychological barrier to protect individuals from topics that cause them psychological anxiety. (p. 175)
The placement of soft drink cans, pillows, purses, and other movable objects between you and another person signals discomfort and a lack of rapport. (p. 176)
Anxious people will signify their uneasiness by prolonged eye closure. (p. 177)
When people experience anxiety, they tend to increase their eye-blink rate. (p. 177)
If the person across from you places his or her cup between the two of you, the cup forms a barrier, which signals that rapport has not yet been established. (p. 177)
Barrier-removing behaviors between you and the person you are talking to signal good rapport. (p. 179)
Friend Signals Signifying Rapport Foe Signals Signifying a Lack of Rapport Eyebrow flashes Furrowed eyebrows Head tilt Eye rolls Frequent smiles Cold stares Mutual gaze Prolonged eye closure and/or gaze aversion Intimate touching No (or very limited) touching Isopraxism (mirroring behavior) Asynchronous posture Inward lean (toward another person) Leaning away (from another person) Whispering Hair twirling (unless a “habit”) Expressive gestures Aggressive stance and/or attack posture Open body posture Closed body posture Removal of barriers/obstacles Creation or use of barriers/obstacles Wide-open eyes Eye squints Puckering or licking of lips (women) Fake yawns Frequent nods Negative head shakes Sharing food (“food forking”) Scrunched nose Preening (“grooming”) your partner Self-preening Hair flip Bitch flip (p. 181)
Caring is about the heart rather than the head. It is about a relationship that goes beyond robotic, intellectual, surface interactions and taps into the very essence of who we are at our innermost level of feeling. (p. 188)
C = Compassion/concern A = Active listening R = Reinforcement E = Empathy (p. 188)
Active listening means you are using verbal and nonverbal cues along with empathic statements when the other person is speaking. (p. 190)
Without active listening, it is possible for some couples who have been together for decades to have literally no idea how their partner really feels or what they want. (p. 191)
Let your partner finish what they are saying before you begin talking. • Important discussions deserve an appropriate setting where you can easily hear what your partner is saying (don’t talk about finances or life-changing events in a noisy, crowded restaurant!). • Don’t be thinking of what you’ll be saying while your partner is talking; focus on their words, not your thoughts. • If your partner is introverted and finds it uncomfortable to speak, encourage them with head nods and verbal nudges (see Chapter 5). • Observe your partner while they speak. Communication is nonverbal as well as verbal. Also, by paying attention to your partner they are most likely to see you as sincerely interested in what they have to say. • Be prepared to compliment your partner when they make a good point or suggestion. • When you hear something you don’t like or agree with, don’t automatically dismiss the comment or go on the offensive. Give the observation some thought and see if there might be some truth in what was said or, at least, some room for reaching a compromise that is satisfactory to both partners. • If your partner is clearly wrong in a given situation, try to help them find a face-saving way to gracefully own up to their error. • You can even suggest a “time-out” if you feel the conversation is becoming confrontational. (p. 192)
Negativistic partners need to recognize that it is appropriate to criticize their significant other if they do something wrong that needs correcting; however, it is also appropriate to praise that individual when they do something well. (p. 194)
Praise your partner when they do something well. It could be a problem they solved at work. Possibly, it could involve some civic or social honor they achieved. It might even be nothing more than they took the time to get you your special dessert at the bakery on the way home. (p. 196)
Encourage your partner to participate in decision making, particularly major decisions that affect both of you. (p. 196)
Don’t forget a partner’s significant milestones such as birthdays, anniversaries, special events, and so forth. (p. 196)
When appropriate, give “public recognition” to your partner by letting others know what special accomplishment he or she has achieved. (p. 196)
Angry people seek order in a world that no longer makes sense to them. The inability to make sense of a disordered world causes frustration. This frustration is expressed as anger. (p. 200)
Never write an email when you are extremely angry or distraught. (p. 220)
When someone provides you with an answer to a question, simply ask them “Why should I believe you?” Honest people typically answer, “Because I am telling the truth” or some derivation thereof. (p. 230)
When people choose not to answer yes or no, they go to the Land of Is. The Land of Is occupies the space between truth and deception. This murky area contains a labyrinth of half-truths, excuses, and suppositions. (p. 228)
When you ask someone a direct yes-or-no question and they begin their answer with the “Well,” there is a high probability of deception. (p. 227)
People tend to believe others. This phenomenon, referred to as the truth bias, allows society and commerce to run smoothly and efficiently. Absent the truth bias, people would spend an inordinate amount of time checking data collected from others. The truth bias also serves as a social default. Relationships with friends and business colleagues would become strained if their veracity were constantly questioned. Consequently, people typically believe others until evidence to the contrary surfaces. (p. 234)
The truth bias provides liars with an advantage because people want to believe what they hear, see, or read. (p. 234)
Absent verbal and nonverbal cues, individuals are at a disadvantage when judging written correspondence on the Internet. (p. 235)